resentments

   Resentment is the "number one" offender.   It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. (a) When the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically. (b) In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. (c) We listed people, institutions, or principles with whom we were angry. (d) We asked ourselves why we were angry. (e) In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocket books, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. "We were burned up."

    On our (f) grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. (g) Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?

(h) We were usually as definite as this example:

    I'm resentful at:          The cause:                   Affects my:

    Mr. Brown            His attention to my          Sex realations.
                                 wife.                               Self-esteem (fear)
                                 told my wife of my         Sex relations.
                                 mistress.                         Self-esteem (fear)
                                 Brown may get my          Security.
                                 job at the office.              Self esteem (fear)

Mrs. Jones                She's a nut-she                 Personal relation-
                                 snubbed me. She             ship.Self-esteem
                                 commeted her hus-          (fear)
                                 band for drinking.
                                 He's my friend.
                                 She's a gossip.

My employer             Unreasonable-Unjust       Self esteem (fear)
                                  -Overbearing-                 Security
                                  Threatens to fire
                                  me for drinking
                                  and padding my ex-
                                  pence account

My wife                     Misunderstands and         Pride-Personal
                                  nags. Likes brown.          sex relations-
                                  Wants house put in          Security     (fear)
                                  her name.

(i) We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. (x) When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and it's people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at our selves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.

    (j) It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

    If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for the alcoholic these things are poison.

    (k) We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. l-We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and it's people really dominated us. In that state the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape?   We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

     (l) This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick to. (m) We asked god to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patients we would grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?   God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

    We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

    (n) Referring our list again. (o) Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. (p) Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self- seeking and frightened? (o) Though the situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame?   The inventory was ours, not the other man's. (q) When we saw our faults we listed them. (q) We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
(end big book text)

Workshop notes:

We need two sheets of paper here:

Sheet 1. Analyze Resentments as shown in example h-above.

Sheet 2. List Faults- When saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. q-above.

a- the program helps us to become spiritually well, after which we become mentally and physically well.
a- "malady"- Sickness or disease.

b- here the text tells us early that this will be a written inventory.

Try this easier, softer way: Each time the book gives us a task, stop and do it. We will soon see the how & why of this.

c- task 1. We are to list our "resentments" against people, institutions, or principles- 1st column on the example, this page (see below)

d-task 2. this is "the cause": 2nd column (anger, resentment- same thing)

e-task 3 "affects my": 3rd column page 65

q- task 4. when we saw our faults we listed them
(see q- below)

q- re: task 4, when we saw our faults we listed them- the example on page 65 does not have a column for faults, this requires a separate piece of paper, we will see why this is necessary when we review our fears and our sex conduct.

f- resentment list

g- examples to use in 3rd column

h- here they present an example of how we are to analyze our resentments, and to use later to review our fears and review our sex conduct

There are many helpful, profound & enlightening statements we need to read over & over in the Big Book text. If we do not use the book as our guide we do not benefit from these great spirit inspired words.

i- re: step 5 page 73 "we must tell someone else all our life story".

x- at this point we must have completed our first three tasks- 1. I'm resentment at 2. the cause 3. affects my, or we would be unable to carry on.

j- a very powerful and profound paragraph, worth reading over and over.

k- re: c- above- if we did not make the list when asked to, we have no list to turn back to, this problem will repeat itself unless we stop and complete each task before going on.

l- in each section after analyzing or reviewing our resentments, fears or sex conduct the text then shows us a better way, and suggests what course we should take.

m- prayer- whenever we are asked to change our thinking it is followed by a prayer asking Gods help.

n- again, if we haven't made our list- I'm resentful at, the cause, effects my we will not be able to refer to it here.

o- so far we have looked at the wrongs others had done and how we could change our attitudes toward them, here we start to look for our own faults.

p- while reviewing our list we asked ourselves these questions.